I may be 44, but I will never stop learning, as long as I am conscious. The most profound thing I have learned in the last six to seven months of my life is so simple, so basic. I do not see from God's perspective often. He is infinite, and I am finite. He is holy; my righteousness is as filthy rags. He is all-knowing; my mind is limited to what He allows me to know.
After my daddy had received radiation for a few weeks, he continued to get weaker. He had no desire for food or liquids. My mother urged and prodded. He complied and consented, but he did not seem to enjoy eating anymore. He ate strictly to stay alive. He took in precious little. Thus he developed an intestinal blockage that made him even sicker.
Less that one month after being diagnosed with cancer, he was hospitalized. Everyday they x-rayed his abdomen and were unsure if he had a blockage or a growth. Each day we grew closer to believing it was a blockage and not another growth.
Since I was out of school on Friday of that week, I offered to stay at the hospital for Mom to rest. The night before, she instructed me to call her as soon as I arrived and let her know how he was and what kind of night he had. When I arrived, he looked better. He felt better. He wanted to eat. He wanted to go home.
I called mom to update her. After giving her our news, I told her I wanted to play her song I had heard the night before. It was such an encouragement to me. The song was "Child, Your Cries Have Awoken the Master" by the Isaacs and recorded by the Mike Bowling Family. She listened and rejoiced. Like the song says, she had prayed all night. She had not rested, and she was receiving a divine answer the Master had heard her cries.
She said, "Oh, that is my answer!" She received such a victory, and we were all very encouraged. I truly believed that God had answered our way. Daddy was going to get better. I did not know if He was healing him supernaturally or gradually, but I was convinced that the days ahead would be better for him.
As unpopular as the thought may be, I misunderstood. I was looking at things from my perspective. I cannot yet see from God's perspective. What I really never even considered was Daddy's perspective. Now, when I read or hear the words to that song, I have to try to listen from Daddy's perspective. It says:
It hit you without any warning,
The storm of your life had begun,
Seeing no hope in the distance,
You're frightened and nowhere to run,
By now your vessel is filling,
And you're thinking that you'll surely drown...
Daddy was the one going through the storm. Mother was always with him. Even in her own weakness, she took care of him and kept him bathed in prayer. My sister, her son, my husband, children, and I did everything we could do for him. We prayed for him and told him how much we loved and appreciated him. We told him we were believing God for a miracle.
A couple of days after he was home, we were back to the same old fight. He did not want to eat or drink. Mother prodded, and he would comply with some little something: milkshake, yogurt, popsicle, gatorade... I was very disappointed that our victory was so short lived, in my perspective. Each day he told us he was weaker. Each day he looked thinner. Even his hair thinned unbelievably.
When I spoke of healing, he said, "I have so much suffering behind me, it seems foolish to ask for healing. I might have to go through all of this again." When he spoke of parting, I did my best to be brave and tell him that we did not want him to go, but if that was God's route, then He would sustain us somehow.
After he left us, I really did not undersand what the whole point was for that song that seemingly gave us victory for a day or two, from my perspective. It was months before I could mention this to my mother. We talked about that song, and she expressed how wonderful it was that God gave us that in such a dark hour. I finally told her that I thought that song meant he was going to get better. It says, "Child, your cries have awoken the master." It says, "it's time to rejoice..."
She explained to me that the Lord sent that song in a time when she would need to be sustained. That song meant to her that He was going to be there, to hear her, to provide what we needed, in any hour in any circumstance. She said it ministered to Daddy. From Daddy's perspective, I guess it meant his sickness was almost over. It meant press on just a little longer.
There was cancer pressing against Daddy's vocal chord on one side. It changed his voice. That song also says, "He knows your voice." God never lost hearing of Daddy's voice. Daddy was too weak to really pray or outwardly rejoice, but God heard his heart. God encouraged him, His child, all the while Daddy was encouraging us, his children.
I will not be puzzled anymore. I do not even claim to know I totally understand it all now. I can only say I trust my Father fully to know better than I. I can say that I have no need to know it all or understand it all. I can lean on Him and not my understanding. He is big enough to hold the whole world yet small enough to care about the minute details of my life and even count the hairs on my head.
